Retirement - Spoof Newspaper - Gift Details

It’s been a long time coming. But after years of hard graft, it’s finally time for them to call it a day and retire. The knock-on effect is predictably cataclysmic for the economic world, with the Mirror reporting on events.

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Spoof Contents

Headline
(First Name) (Surname) Retires

Sub Headline
It’s the end of an era for (Company Name)

Written By
Business Editor

Colleagues have waved a fond farewell to (First Name) (Surname), who has finally retired – after working for (Company Name) for (Years Employed).

“(First Name) retiring is devastating,” said a downcast fellow employee, who asked not to be named. “It’s a very dark day for the company and (First Name) will be sadly missed.”

With (First Name) gone, business experts have been speculating on the future of the business without this amazing employee. Some say the firm’s fortunes may well nosedive, with profits tumbling dramatically in the next quarter. This could mean drastic cuts within the company.

“The retirement of this outstanding candidate could mean cutbacks at every level, so integral was (First Name) to the continued smooth running of the company,” one shocked expert commented.

However, other business gurus say the retirement of (First Name) may have the opposite effect, spurring the employees on to fill the huge gap left by the enthusiastic employee's legacy and prompting a massive upturn in company fortunes.

“(First Name) leaving could be the best thing to happen to us,” said an insider. “We could see unequalled success at the firm as we rally together and attempt the impossible job of filling the (Age) year old's shoes.”

When asked to comment about the future of the company following this shock retirement announcement, a member of Lord Alan Sugar’s entourage said, “Generally, the retirement of one individual may have little or no financial impact on the continued success of any company. But let’s face it; we are talking about (First Name) (Surname). Quite frankly the place will fall apart without (Surname) – this is a very sad day for the British economy.”