It’s the biggest game of the year. And your recipient’s favourite team have just laid waste to their bitter rivals. Not only that, but your chosen name played a starring role in the 7-0 destruction!
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7th Heaven for (Male Surname)
Striker’s goal-fest destroys (Rival Team)
Chief Sports Writer
The record books were rewritten yesterday as (Team) sent (Rival Team) crashing to an incredible 8-0 home defeat – with ace striker (Male First Name) (Male Surname) scoring seven of the goals.
Footie pundits last night called it the most sensational result in the history of the two teams’ long-standing rivalry. An insider said: “This score line proves that (Team) are a truly massive club, whereas (Rival Team) has always been rubbish.”
The delighted (Team) manager singled out in-form marksman (Male Surname), (Age), for special praise. He said: “(Male First Name) has made this season his own. He vowed that he would score at least one double hat-trick during the current campaign, and he’s proved today that those were no empty words.”
The golden exploits of (Male Surname) began with a spectacular overhead kick into the opposition’s net after just 28 seconds. He then pounced on a player error to make it two, before dummying the entire (Rival Team Nickname) defence to hammer home a third.
After being harshly yellow-carded for taunting the crowd on-song hit man (Male Surname) chalked up his fourth with a 40-yard screamer and added a fifth from the penalty spot for good measure.
The (Rival Team) captain later revealed: “That was the moment we knew we were out of the title race. (Male Surname) has left our season in ruins and secured bragging rights for the (Team) faithful.”
Stunned callers to Radio Five Live’s 6-0-6 phone-in described the moment when (Male Surname) scored his sixth goal. One said: “He dribbled through their defence, then nutmegged the keeper. He drilled the ball so hard it ripped a hole, two-feet wide, in the back of the net.”
As furious (Rival Team) fans headed for the exits, (Male Surname) heaped humiliation on his team’s arch-rivals by playing ‘keepie-uppie’ with the ball for several minutes before slamming it into the net from the halfway line. He soon added insult to injury by blowing kisses to the grim-faced (Rival Team) manager.
As (Team) fans celebrated the greatest win in their club’s history, despairing (Rival Team) supporters last night jammed the switchboards of the Samaritans. (Male Surname) has meanwhile demanded urgent contract talks with the (Team) board. His agent said: “It’s not about the money, but (Male First Name) wants £140,000 a week.”